Evasive Maneuvers
by TelevisionPastiche
Summary: With boundaries being crossed and an unconventional new roommate moving into 4D, how do Nick & Jess navigate the ups and downs of their complicated relationship? Inspired by 'New Girl' and the hilariously creative ways people avoid facing their problems. Set post 2x15.
1. Introduction

**Hello and welcome to another post "Cooler" fanfic. I will be your host tonight, and I hope you enjoy my foray into New Girl fiction!**

**This chapter serves as a taster for what could come next, as I test the writing waters for the first time in years. Hopefully you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.**

**I hope to draw from my own experiences (kissing people that should've been off limits...) and combine them with the wonderful characters from the show.**

**Please let me know what you think, as I will write more chapters if you enjoy this introduction.**_**  
**_

* * *

At 5:48 Melon Nick still lay in a haphazard heap on the wooden floor, unmoved and possibly unseen by anyone but Jess. As she crept from her room on a dangerous and potentially awkward trip to the bathroom, it's mere presence bothered her. The ridiculous Sharpie beard was split right down the middle and the contents of the melon were spilled all over Nick's burgundy hobo sweater. Recalling last nights kiss, she shuddered and clumsily lept past the scene of the crime.

Fortunately it was a mess that Schmidt would end up cleaning if she avoided it long enough. And avoid it she would.

The loft was absolutely still, which was unsettling for Jess, who tiptoed through the hallway towards the bathroom like a covert assassin with terrible bed head. Her mission, which the build up of beer had forced her to accept,was to get to that toilet cubicle undetected.

Terrible luck and bad juju would probably ensure that she ran into Nick the very moment she began avoiding him. And avoid him she would.

* * *

She looked like a frightened rabbit as she attempted to tiptoe across the loft floor, slowly making her way to the bathroom. Nick watched from the relative safety of his bedroom, and shook his head at the enormous effort Jess was making in order to prevent waking him.

In reality she didn't have to try so hard, as he had no intentions of having 'the talk' so early in the morning. Nick would be steering clear until he figured out a plan of attack.

With his confidence boosting trench-coat gone, Nick could only hope to find inspiration and guidance in one place - the mind of Julius Pepperwood.


	2. Chapter One

**Hello everyone, here we have Chapter 1 of _Evasive Maneuvers_! It's relatively short, as I imagine all my chapters will be. This will just ensure I can update more frequently.**

**This chapter delves further into Nick's feelings about _The Kiss_. But nothing is ever easy, especially when it feels so good. **

**I really hope you enjoy it. **

**Please feel free to write reviews and/or PM me with your thoughts.**

* * *

In theory, Nick knew he should be an incredible writer. He had easy access to hard spirits, a dash of chest hair, disdain for personal hygiene, and emotional issues that no sane person would ever want to go near. The series of unfortunate events that made up his existence should have shaped him into a literary superstar, a Casanova of words, a Hemingway for the Jersey Shore generation.

But being a theoretical wordsmith is one thing, whereas writing your sophomore novel is literally a whole other story.

The adventures of Julius Pepperwood, zombie crime investigator, were not coming along as he had hoped. While Jessica spent an hour painstakingly edging to and from the bathroom 'undetected', Nick attempted to knock out another masterpiece. 'Z is for Zombie' was a work of pure unadulterated genius that had simply flown straight from his soul and onto the word document. Pepperwood, however, was refusing to inspire. He had only managed to type but a few short sentences.

_Pepperwood squinted at another mucked up zombie corpse on the ground. Even though zombies are already dead, a dead zombie is double dead, and Pepperwood was an expert on the dead undead. In Chicago, 100 years after the zombie apocalypse, the undead had become a part of society and had rights like any man. And it was Pepperwood's job to avenge those rights because rights are important_.

It was a classic in the making, but it was refusing to be made at this particular time, which frustrated Nick's literary sensibilities and damaged his pride.

Writing was supposed to be a form of catharsis, a release from the pressures and anxieties of everyday life. But what can a man do when his one talent evades him at a time such as this, when he had potentially ruined one of his few marginally healthy relationships?

For the first time in his life, Nick's problems were not caused by his fear of making a move. They were caused by his untimely and uncharacteristic decision to act without second thought or inhibition. It wasn't exactly positive self improvement, but it was definitely a side of himself he hadn't seen before.

The phantom spirit of trench coat Nick must have been to blame for the kiss! No other explanation seemed plausible. Why on earth would he ever have the courage, or raw stupidity, to grab a woman and kiss her?

Nick had hurtled across a line that neither he nor Jess had ever officially acknowledged, but both knew was there. Their shared penchant for romantic screw ups ensured they never discussed their potential for more, as it would surely cause chaos. He would surely fuck it up, there was no doubt about it, and Jess deserved better. But he had not given her 'better' - he had simply served up some sexually charged complications.

It was a horrifying thought, that he may have permanently damaged his relationship with Jess - the one woman who truly knew him and refused to look away. The only woman to have ever created a melon man in his image, and the only woman to have ever smashed his likeness on the loft floor for all to see.

Atleast Schmidt would clean it up later, so Nick could successfully ignore it's existence and deny the way it made him feel. It was a symbolic slap in the face, and a total waste of a perfectly good melon.


	3. Chapter Two

**Here it is, Chapter 2, all pretty and hoping to impress.**

** We finally get to see how Jess is feeling in the wake of Nick's devastating kiss. I have to admit, Jess is not my strong point, but I do think a chapter with soley her point if view is necessary. in Chapter 3 we'll be back with Nick Miller Nick Miller from the streets of Chicago.**

**Please continue to follow, favourite, and write reviews. They're total day brighteners! **

* * *

Jess returned to her room a great while later, with a heavy heart and significantly lighter bladder. Not even the Mission Impossible role play on the way through the loft could brighten her spirits.

She needed a plan, a way to uncomplicate things. Jess knew she needed to talk to Nick, that it was the best solution, but she had no idea how to put her feelings into words. She didn't even understand her own feelings, so how was she supposed to talk about them, without making things more confusing? She was stuck between a rock-melon and a hard place.

Perhaps making a diorama would help? Oh, just think of the cute Nick and Jess puppets she could create, all dressed up in teeny tiny outfits, little grumpy faces drawn on. Maybe acting out the scene would be good practice, preparation for the real deal. She always stressed the importance of role play to her students, as it allows you to feel all those special feelings in a creatively constructive way.

But the presence of a potentially incriminating, albeit adorable, diorama might be hard to explain to Sam...

Sam.

The man who was now sprawled out on her floral bedspread, looking ridiculously adorable despite the patch of drool he'd left on the pillow. Sam, who she had fought hard for, lost, and then found again. He was absolutely wonderful in every sense of the word, with a steady job, low cholesterol, agreeable face, and hands that knew just where to touch her. Not to mention hair that far surpassed Spencer's in both style and texture.  
Sam was a catch, in every way imaginable. But Jess was a clumsy fisherman.

She had spent months chasing Sam, and they had finally come together at last, no games, no surprises and no drama. But also... No fiery impromtu kisses in the middle of the night.  
Sam 'had' her, he could kiss her whenever he wanted, which in turn meant he kissed her with less frequency and verve. The sex was still pleasurable, and she almost always... reached completion. He knew what he was doing, she had no complaints in that area. His magic wand could cast a perfectly decent spell. However, she no longer found herself gushing to Cece about their latest sexcapades - not since they'd settled into an official relationship. Part of her knew this was what you had to expect and accept in a serious monogamous relationship: eventually things would slow down and become slightly predictable, the relationship would go from racy to reliable after a few months of sexual discovery. By no means was this anything to weep over, it was a satisfying relationship that many women would envy.

These things were all true.

However, as she sat up in bed, the sun slowly edging in through an open window, all she wanted was for Nicks lips to glide across hers again, teasing her mouth open, working her until she was breathless and unable to form a simple thought.

Maybe that diorama wasn't such a bad idea after all.


	4. Chapter Three

**So here we have it, Chapter 3!**

**I was absolutely terrified with this one, because writing dialogue is hella scary. But luckily I've got some wonderful people who have been listening to me bounce ideas around incessantly. **

**I have also found myself a wonderful Beta. Which**** means that chapters may take a little longer to be posted because I'll be re-editing my drafts a few times before publishing. So please bear with me on that, and fingers crossed that it makes for a more enjoyable story.**

**And once again, a huge thankyou to everyone who reads, reviews and follows Evasive Maneuvers. **

* * *

It wasn't a big deal. Why was he making it worse in his mind? They'd overcome many more awkward encounters in the past and it had made them much stronger, far weirder friends. It was morning, and the breakfast bar was beckoning. He had to leave the room eventually. Nobody would be expecting him to leave the confines of his man cave before noon, and all the other loft-mates had bed fellows who would probably keep them there for a while longer. The coast was as clear as it would ever be and his stomach rumbled for the sweet taste of bacon.

He attempted to casually open his door and stride forward with all the confidence of a man who was not Nick-like. He wanted to officially start the day with best intentions, with a little pizazz. Instantly a tinny squeak echoed throughout the loft as he lurched out into the hall, ruining his entrance and causing his shoulders to cringe upwards with the sound. He would have to angry fix the door later. However, first he needed to decipher the odd scene that lay before him.

Melon seeds were still scattered amongst a patch of sweet smelling fruit goop, which extended in a trail that led towards the kitchen and a very unhappy looking Schmidt. Jess, presumably startled awake by his door, emerged from her room as he surveyed the area. He could feel her gaze lingering on his face, but he wasn't ready just yet. Fortunately, Nick didn't have time to make uncomfortable morning chit chat, as Schmidt was already rounding the kitchen counter and making a determined beeline towards them.

He hissed and shook his head, "Barbarians, the both of you!"

"Look at this mess, who leaves a perfectly good melon on the floor like that? Smashed in half by Nick no doubt, clumsy butterfingers. No respect for tropical produce!"

While his attention was split between Nick and the melon, Jess took her chance to edge past Schmidt and peruse the kitchen cupboards.

"Do you have any idea what rejuvenative qualities rock melons possess Nick? Of course you don't, look at that pallid complexion, good god man!"

Refusing to respond to the ridiculous question - he could barely distinguish fruits from vegetables, let alone list their health benefits - Nick followed Jess' lead and headed towards the kitchen.

"I get it Schmidt, I should treat my body like a temple. But it'll never be a temple that worships at the food pyramid."

Jess giggled, head still foraging for food deep within the pantry.

"No, not at all Nick, a temple is a dusty place where old bald men go to pray. The body should be treated like a penthouse suite - clean lines, with a great view and well kept mohair rugs - if you know what I mean. The perfect place to take a lady at the end of the night."

"Unfortunately, we do know what you mean." Jess quipped, eliciting a gruff snigger from Nick just as Winston appeared.

"What did Schmidt do to that poor girl?" Winston asked.

"What did I do to her?! That woman is truly terrifying, she is like the female equivalent of DiCaprio in Django Unchained. No offense Winston."

"None taken until just now."

"You know what she made me do? Spill milk and eggs all over the floor until I literally cried over it. That was the foreplay. It was the most emotionally confusing sexual encounter of my life."

"I highly doubt that," said Nick.

"Ughhh, that's why there's no breakfast supplies!" Jess raised her arms and let them flop to her sides in frustration. "What did I say to you about sharing Schmidt?"

He sighed, "That we need to learn the value of communal supplies in case of a zombie apocalypse..."

"Exactly! None of us can hunt with a cross bow. If you wasted eggs like that we'd have to kill and eat you."

"Fortunately Jess, there is no need for crossbows - unless we were talking props for Daryl and Carol sexual role-play, I'm open to tha-"

"JAR!" The group snapped.

"Okay, alright, but what I'm saying is, with no impending apocalypse you can just get Nick to take you to the store. Buy new supplies to pay me back for the $10 organic rock-melon you so carelessly wasted."

"Schmidt. You literally poured food onto the floor of your room to impress a lady." Nick groaned, pretending he hadn't been thrown by the possible threat of alone time with Jess.

"Yes, but she then let me scramble her eggs in bed. So it was worth it. Amirite?"

"Eugh, Schmidt..." Jess gagged, "Too far. We'll go shopping, just as long as you don't take that euphemism any further"

But, contrary to what she had agreed, Jess stood stock still in the corner of the kitchen. Avoiding eye contact and staring at her feet, she tentatively asked "So... Groceries. More like, yummeries, huh?"

Schmidt wrinkled his nose in disgust, before shaking his head at Winston in disbelief. A knot of tension wound itself tighter around Nick's stomach. _Play it cool Jessica._

"Because... They're tasty. Hahah. You know, as in not gross?"

...

"No? No takers?"

Jess faltered, then quickly left the room in search of suitable shopping attire. Nick did his best impression of a person who was not fazed in the slightest while grabbing his car keys.

This was going to be interesting. The nearest grocery store was 15 minutes away. Plus, with his car stereo on the fritz and Jessica attempting to take the comedic route, there was ample room for uncomfortable silences.

Nick waited impatiently in his pajamas, leaning against front door frame. A the few minutes later Jessica cautiously slipped out of her bedroom in a Mickey Mouse print sundress, closing the door softly to avoid waking Sam. She came to a stop when she got near, looking straight ahead and keeping a safe distance between them. Out of habit, Nick opened the door for Jess, and as their eyes met she gave him a sheepish smile before walking through out into the hallway. He followed suit, hoping it was a sign that things would be alright after all.

Moments later, Winston turned to face Schmidt.

"So... Tell me more about those scrambled eggs."


	5. Chapter Four

**Hey there pretty ladies (and also non-ladies)**

**This is Chapter 4, and it's pretty important in terms of shaping things to come. I spent a lot of time mapping out exactly where this story is going to go, and this is where that plan starts to really come together. I hope you enjoy it! Quite a few of these scenes are inspired by my own uncomfortable experiences, so hopefully they've been put to good use.**

**Sidenote: If you're not yet familiar with Gwyneth Paltrow's awful website 'Gloop' you should totally check it out. It's really good for when you want to make yourself feel super poor, because you can't afford $500 silk pashminas woven together by organic glow worms.**

**But anyway, onwards with the chapter my friends!**

* * *

Nothing had been said about the kiss and it seemed that neither he nor Jess wanted to bring it up. Of course, the kiss was the one thing they desperately _did_ need to talk about. Everything else in Nick's life seemed to fade into the background. So it was either: talk about it, or talk about nothing at all.

So for the next 10 minutes, silence won.

The elevator ride was filled with the strangest silence he had ever experienced. Nick dug the car keys into his palm in an effort to distract himself from the palpable tension. Oddly enough, a very small part of the silence was comfortable - testament to the solid friendship they'd built up over the past year. There was an underlying sense of security based in the knowledge that their friendship was important. But intermixed with this was the tang of lust and of self loathing that couldn't be ignored. It filled his mouth and violently churned his stomach in a way that made him slightly dizzy.

In all the movies he'd ever watched, the grand romantic gesture never resulted in nausea. Hollywood had lied, because in reality this situation was awful. While the act of kissing Jess had been wonderful, this confusing aftermath made him want to take it back. Almost. It was a moment so utterly defined by what he wanted most, yet it could possibly end in disaster if he let those feelings run wild. So for the past 12 hours he had been asking himself over and over if that moment of happiness was really worth the discomfort that followed?

Risks never payed off for him like they did for others. People were always encouraging him to take a chance, but he never seemed to choose the right ones. A leap of faith in any other area of his life would have been a better idea. If he was going to start making changes, couldn't he have started a little smaller? Perhaps by experimenting with a different brand of deodorant, since he'd been using the same one for 16 years. Maybe doing a pushup once a month if he wanted to get out of his comfort zone. That would have been a better start. Much safer than grabbing his only female friend and kissing her while her boyfriend was in the next room. _Stupid Nick Miller, you're nowhere near hunky enough to go around making out with anyone you want. Especially not Jess._

* * *

As the car screeched with every gear change and his internal spiral of self destruction continued, he barely registered Jess's voice when she spoke up.

"So... Uh. Maybe we should pick up some awkward sauce in the condiments section, because this is weeeeird." She sing-songed.

It was the most perfect thing she had ever said. Jess was giving him am easy out. It was her way of saying they didn't have to talk about last night, that it didn't have to be a big deal. They could make a few jokes about it and the slate would be wiped clean. An unspoken agreement to laugh it all off.

"Hah, I don't think so. That sounds expensive."

"You'd be surprised. It's a very affordable dressing. Always on sale because nobody ever buys it."

"This is an awful joke by the way."

"It's a tough day for comedy." She nodded with a wistful sigh.

"Condiment based humor just doesn't do it for me." He smiled, the tension in his shoulders easing slightly.

"Oh drats. I'll have to get all new material!" She laughed, still not meeting his eye as they drove down a quiet side street, looking for a parking spot.

Despite having been given an easy out, Nick was surprised by how much he wanted to apologize. If he was ever going to say something it had to be now, before this whole event got put in the 'Do Not Discuss' box.

"Look, Jess. I'm sorry for last night. I wasn't trying to start anything between us, I know that will never happen. I can barely look after my Sim family right now, let alone care for another real life person..."

She continued to look straight forward at the road ahead as if it was the most interesting thing she'd ever seen.

"I know I shouldn't have done it, and I hope we can just forget it ever happened."

"Nick _stop_" she urged.

He tried to backtrack, regretting having opened his mouth "I just, you know, uh-"

"No! Nick, stop the car!"

For a second he didn't take her seriously. He'd said he was sorry, there was no need to jump out of the car and escape. But the look of panic plastered on her face convinced him to hit the brakes without another seconds hesitation.

The tires screeched slightly and his seatbelt locked him into place before they came to a quick stop. Before he could ask what the matter was, Jess had unbuckled and jumped out of her seat. She ran around to the front of the car, dropping down to the ground so that he could only see the top of her head above the bonnet.

Nick had no idea what it was he'd said, or what he could do to fix it, yet he was still following her outside regardless.

He found Jess kneeling on the asphalt, cradling something small and squawking in her arms. _What the hell is going on right now?_

Jess glanced up at him, and he gave her a quizzical look in return.

"Someone just left him here. He's all alone."

The 'he' appeared to be a baby sparrow, covered in dust and a specking of blood on it's left wing. And it seemed to be intent on letting everyone know just how much

"_Who did this to you_?!" She wept.

Of course, despite Jess' fantasies this was not a Disney movie, and the bird just squawked back at her. Before Nick could convince her to out the doomed animal back down, a horn blared at them in protest.

Gathering up the dirty ball of feathers and holding it against her chest, Jess stomped over to the offending vehicle. A chubby man with red cheeks looked almost frightened as she reached his open window.

"Excuse me sir, but there has just been a hit and run. You're at the scene of the crime right now. Please don't honk your horn at me, it's rude, and the world has seen enough cruelty today!"

With that Jess flounced her way back over to the car, bird in hand. Nick shrugged apologetically to the other driver, who now looked more confused than angry.

He took this as an opportunity to hurry back to the drivers seat so that he could move the car and figure out how to get rid of the stupid bird.

* * *

"Everybody, Nick and I-"

"No. No way, you can count me out of this one." Nick shook his head.

"Ehem. _Nick and I_ have somebody we would like for you to welcome into our home. A wounded comrade, former sky captain and cloud connoisseur, Feather Lockear!"

Jess held up the chirping bundle of feathers, swaddled in an old sock she'd found inside Nick's glove compartment.

Nick stood back, a look of indignation on his face, as his curious loft-mates gathered around Jess.

Winston's faces scrunched up in confusion "Is that... A bird? Because It looks truly awful"

"Oh, eugh!" Schmidt gagged. "Get that creature out of here! It's disgusting, a feathered ball of disease!" He yelled before hightailing it to the farthest corner of the room. "Did you not see '_Contagion_'?! If bird flu can kill Gwyneth Paltrow it can kill us all!"

"Well... actually that virus was started by a pig" Jess countered. "And this bird is adorable."

"Come on Schmidt. I absolutely hate this whole situation, but even I don't think it's _that_ bad." Nick said, surprising himself. He attempted to cover his tracks by quickly adding "Plus, anything that can get rid of Gwyneth Paltrow is fine by me. With her stupid fancy website and her gold filigree greeting cards. Nobody can afford to 'gloop' Gwyneth! That's not even a word..." Nick shouted at the ceiling, finishing with a frustrated grunt.

Jess contemplated his rant for a second before responding "I think that Gloop might actually be a word. Once a student of mine used it in his creative writing." She sniffed, pursing her lips as her eyes swelled with emotion "It was about a little mud monster from Mississippi, who dreamed of owning his own dry-cleaning business."

"Hah! Mud monster... That's a ridiculous character. What is this, amateur hour?" Snorted Nick

"He was only six, and that story was magical. Anyway. I'm going to give our new friend a birdy bath, who wants to help?!"

Winston raised his hand cautiously, and with a reluctant smile said, "Nobody can ever repeat this, but I would love to help. Just look at the little guy, chirping his tiny head off."

Schmidt looked around, exasperated. Shouting "Oh yes! Rinse all of the bird bacteria off into our sink. That sounds like a brilliant idea, lets all wash ourselves in the vermin water afterwards. Wonderful!" before stomping into his room and slamming the door with a defiant thud.

Nick found himself alone in the living room.

He strained his ears toward the bathroom, as Jess and Winston attempted to comfort the frightened chick. A miserable thought raced through his mind - _Even the damn bird is more popular than I am._

He sighed, pressing his palms to his temples, "Today is the absolute worst."

As he shuffled to his own room, he looked back and mumbled to himself.  
"There is no way we are calling that thing Feather Locklear. Terrible. Just terrible."


	6. Chapter Five

******Welcome welcome, to Chapter 5!**

******I've been away on holiday, so thankyou for the patience. ****I really hope it's worth the wait.**

****** H**iatus is slowly killing me. I've been flailing about helplessly after seeing the mass of the spoilers that just keep on coming. However, the lack of episodes has driven me to write quite a lot of material. Now it's just a case of me piecing all of it together for you.

**Thankyou for reading amd for the feedback, it's been so lovely!**

* * *

Two days after their new housemate had officially moved in, Nick woke up to the sound of a commotion coming from the kitchen. After a half hour of tossing and turning with a pillow clamped tight around his head, Nick gave up on the idea of a sleep in. Having thrown back the covers in frustration, he slowly crawled out of his sleep cocoon. Hopefully, if the disruptive hum of activity was anything to go by, Jess was cooking something delicious that he could steal a plate of.

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, Nick lurched his way towards the kitchen in a daze. Everything was too darn bright during the summer months, he longed for the comforting cloudy darkness of winter. It hadn't rained in forever, and Nick felt a growing agitation as he pined for a day where he would hide inside from the horrible weather. Los Angeles was obviously the wrong city for a winter bear like he.

By the time he'd finished his internal lament, he'd made his way to the table and plonked down in a chair. His focus soon shifted towards Jess, who appeared to be conjuring up some kind of feast, in incredibly small portions. As she went about her task in a flurry of wayward bangs and hand movements, Nick noticed that Feather was also perched atop the kitchen island. The little bird, with it's manky bandaged wing, hopped freely amongst the open recipe books and various ingredients. Maybe he'd cook his own breakfast today.

As the sleepy haze lifted he surveyed to the room, but stopped when he saw Schmidt peering out from his bedroom. Schmidt's expression suggested that he was equal parts transfixed and disgusted. However, the way his arms were folded protectively across his chest, with his chin tucked into his neck, meant that it was probably more to do with disgust.

Nick's curiosity was piqued, he asked "Hey Jessica, what're you up to over there?"

"Shes feeding that chirping cesspit breakfast" Muttered Schmidt, the tone of his voice scornful.

Jess paused for a second to give her reply, and the bird hopped closer to her.  
"I was up all night reading about how to care for birds and I've been doing everything wrong! I thought i could just give her bread and milk but NO it's so much more complicated than that apparently. I'm freaking out!" she exclaimed, her words jumbling together as she hurried to get through them all.

"So now..." She paused momentarily to catch her breath, before continuing. "I have to make sure she gets all the right nutrients. Otherwise her wing won't heal properly and I'll be responsible for her never flying again!"

"It's just a bird. There are much worsen things to waste your time caring about" Nick said.

She gave him a disappointed look, before spooning out bran flakes and mixing them into a bowl of assorted nuts and seeds.

Schmidt and Nick continued to watch her cook a birdie buffet for the next half hour, with Schmidt letting out little shudders of disgust every time Feather got too close to the open ingredients. It wasn't until Jess began preparing a seed infused pancake mix, into which the bird tried to jump, that Schmidt's fuse burst.

"Oh dear god, I can't watch this a minute longer! It's a madhouse in here!" Schmidt shouted as he tugged on a cashmere sweater. "Just look at it - grubby talons all over the countertop. A disgrace to fine dining everywhere!"

Nick watched, amused as Schmidt gave the kitchen a wide berth on his way to the exit. Just as he is about to walk out the door, Schmidt paused before calling out over his shoulder "I just want to say two things before I leave. Nick - I will shoulder the burden of housing your dvd collection when you have dropped dead of Ebola as a result of this mess. And Jessica - if I weren't so disgusted by this bird breakfast debacle, your whole maternal schtick would be a _total_ turn on."

In unison, Jess and Nick scrunched up their faces, before shouting "Get out Schmidt!"

The door slammed, leaving Nick alone with Jess and her dinner guest.

"Oh man, mixing healthy pancakes is the worst. So much seed resistance. I am not cut out for this kind of cardio" she quipped, face shrouded in hair and she focused on beating the sloppy pancake mixture. He stood up and came to in her in the kitchen, rapt by the culinary effort she was going to, and a little jealous that it wasn't for him. He debated whether or not he should offer to help, but knew it would open the floodgates of even more responsibility. So he settled for supervising and offering moral support.

Jess continued to beat the mixture, until a loud crunch sounded from the bowl. A seed had lodged itself deep within the cogs of the beater, causing the mixture to splatter all over the counter. Jess let out a frustrated groan. There was a thick paste spread all over the dry ingredients and recipe books - a total mess. As she straightened up and turned to him with a look of bewilderment, he noticed a strand of her hair had been covered with grainy goop.

Without second thought, Nick moved in closer so that he was sandwiching Jess between himself and the counter. His hand moved gingerly up, stopping just by her cheek. He heard her breath catch as she froze before him, eyes wide and expectant. Nicks eyes focused on her hair, and his fingers slid through the soft strands. The air between them shifted as he caught her eye, And he realized his mistake. _She thinks I'm trying to kiss her. Does she want me to kiss her? I want to kiss her. No. I definitely shouldn't kiss her... Say something you idiot._

"Batter." He choked out.  
Her brows furrowed in confusion "...Wha?"

Nick self consciously lowered his hand and shoved it in his pocket, before explaining "your hair... There's, uh, pancake batter in your hair"

Expectations collided with reality as Jess understood what he'd been trying to do and her face fell. Her face confused him. Nick wasn't sure if Jess looked disappointed or was simply embarrassed by having coated herself in pancake mix. It was probably the latter, since she'd have to shower to get it all out properly. And she always complained that her hair took a long time to dry, even with the warm weather.

Yeah, it was definitely because of that.

He felt a rush of relief flood through him, knowing he'd just barely tamped down the urge to kiss her. Though the rush was laced with sadness, as he acknowledged that she probably hadn't wanted him to kiss her in the first place. It was a close save. _You need to be more careful around her, dumbass. She doesn't want you to kiss her again. She is in a relationship, and it's _not_ with you._

Fortunately, before either of them was able to say another word, the loft door swung open. Cece strode inside, and Nick quickly lurched away from Jess, so that his back was flat against the fridge.

"What's going on here?" She asked with a suspicious smile.

"Nothing" they both muttered in panic.

"I was just cooking for Feather."

"Right... Well, I just got back from the shoot in New York. You said you wanted to tell me something in your message?"

Jess looked panicked, and Nick pretended not no notice, as he was all to aware that the she'd been referring to _the kiss_.

"Uh, just wanted to tell you about... The bird. Or...My bird. That bird right there. Also, I got a really cute stationary set that I wanted to show you. It's in my room. So we should go there." She mumbled.

Cece scanned back and forth between the two, looking for clues as to what was going on. Nick just shrugged his shoulders and turned to open the fridge so he could pretend to look for orange juice.

"Ohhkay then. Lets do that" Cece agreed.

Nick closed the fridge door, juice in hand, as they girls walked towards Jess' room.

"Hey! Jess! You left your bird!" He called to her

She turned sharply and said emphatically "Just put Feather in her box and take her to your room, I'll come get her later."

"Are you serious?" He complained, not wanting to touch the animal, let alone babysit it.

But as she continued on walking with Cece in tow, he realized that yes: she was serious.

* * *

Nick had spent the past two hours hidden away in his room, with the bird sleeping peacefully in a cardboard box on the floor. Things in the loft still felt uneasy, so he'd decided to reorganize his room. It was a behemoth task, but seemed like a good way to avoid potentially awkward encounters like the hair batter incident. While he didn't intend to avoid Jess entirely, Nick knew that until he had better control of his thoughts and feelings, it was better for everyone if he existed in the periphery. Jess may have kissed him back, but she'd never initiated anything, because she actually had self control. Nick hardly ever knew what he wanted, and even when he did know he always ended up going about it the worst possible way, at the least suitable time. It seemed inevitable. He couldn't trust himself to do the right thing, he would just fuck everything up. So a few solid days spent in his room, and maybe some extra shifts at the bar, seemed like a smart plan of attack. Plus, he could get more serious about his novel. No doubt, if he was patient the situation would return to normal. Or, as normal as things had ever been in his life - which wasn't very, but he could at least avoid disaster.

He managed to drown out the mumble of Jess and Cece's conversation by playing his favorite _The_ _National_ album in the background. The mood was set and he was ready to do some heavy moping. He'd just finished checking his sweat-pant pockets for spare quarters when there was a quiet knock on the door. Living with roommates for such a long time meant that Nick had become accustomed to a lack of privacy. He never bothered with a "come on in", or to check who'd dropped by to pay him a visit. Nick knew that acknowledging their presence meant they'd take longer to leave, so he continued to rummage through his musty sock drawer. After a few minutes of weeding out the old graying sport socks and hole ridden spares, Nick began to notice a shift in the atmosphere. His biggest zombie pet peeve was when scrumptious mouth breathers refused to check behind them, yet he was doing that exact thing. His back prickled in anticipation, as he shut the drawer and slowly turned around to greet a fiery looking... Cece?

"You must have old man hearing. Didn't you hear me knock?"

"Living with Schmidt means you get good at ignoring things." He shrugged, not completely sure how he should behave in this situation. With humour? A hint of shame? His best poker face? Women were a mystery at the best of times, but her presence in his room had him completely stumped. The way Cece stood, one arm bent at the hip and shoulders squared, made it seem as if this was in fact her room and he was the one intruding. Seeing her now, with no Jess or Schmidt to act as social buffer, he felt the full force of her self confidence and was more intimidated than he'd ever admit aloud. Plus, the fact that she'd closed the door behind her suggested that nobody knew she was talking to him. He might never make it out of this alive. Which was a thought that probably had less to do with Cece's potential psychopathic tendencies and more to do with his inability to turn off the Pepperwood within.

But either way, he had no idea how to behave. Let alone what he could say to make her stop eyeing him as if he was a threat that needed to be neutralized. So, as per usual, since Nick wasn't sure what he _should_ do, he did nothing.

Cece cocked her head to the side - questioning his odd silence - and he realized his internal monologue had gone on long enough. Clearing his throat, Nick asked "So, can I help you with anything? Did Jess send you in to see the bird?"

She sauntered over to his bed and sat down facing him

"Mmm, no. I'm mainly in here because you're an idiot."

"Well, I can't argue with that logic" He joked, regretting it immediately as Cece arched her eyebrow in disapproval.

Cece wasn't fazed and continued with her point "I know that you're an idiot. But you're an idiot who Jess, in spite of better judgement, cares about. A lot." She paused, holding his gaze. "Like... _A lot_, a lot." She added, shaking her head for emphasis.

Nick remained silent, and Cece smiled in appreciation.

"So you need to listen to me, and you need to listen good." Nick nodded obediently. He was too weary of awakening the terrifying beast Schmidt had termed "Cece: The Consequence Master of Eternal Suffering". Nick didn't know Cece as well as his other loft-mates, but he did know that she was incredibly protective, and it would be a foolish to not take her warning seriously.

Nick still felt uncomfortable at the receiving end of her stare. His arms felt limp at his sides and he was painfully aware of his sloppy demeanor. Not wanting to get too close, He sat atop a heap of laundry on the floor, facing Cece with legs crossed and arms stretched forward in a failed attempt to look casual. "I'm listening" he said.

"Alright. Most importantly, you need to remember that Jess has a boyfriend. A nice, very attractive doctor boyfriend. And you do not get to just go around kissing her, making her life even more confusing. She's only just getting things back together, so if you care about her the way she cares about you, you'll do what you can to make her life less complicated."

It was a slap in the face. And even though everything she was saying he'd already told himself a hundred times, it was far more harsh coming from somebody else.

"She may be playing it cool around you, but this could potentially change everything for everybody in this loft, and you need to think more carefully before you do something like that again."

_Again? Wait, was Cece on his side? Did she want him to "do something like that again"_

"You two are two peas in a freaky pod, it's obvious you've got feelings for one another. But timing is everything. And right now aint the right time."

He tried to look calm, but felt a surge of affection towards Cece for giving him her insight, which was invaluable considering the history she had with Jess.

"I may not see Jess with Sam for the rest of her life, but whether you like it or not, she's with him now. You need to respect that. The best thing you can do right now is wait, and allow her to come to you - _if_ she decides to do that. Kissing her was dumb, but it's shown you to be a... semi viable option. Maybe one day, when you're both single and have sorted your respective shit out, you can get together. But right now Nick, you don't get to kiss her. Don't put her in that position, you know she'll wilt away with all the guilt it'll bring. Now is not your time to strike, so you have to wait until the right moment. Because you're the man Jess deserves, but not the one she it needs right now."

"Did you just quote Batman?"

"I'm trying to speak in terms you'll understand."

And she was doing a fantastic job, because for once in his life Nick felt like he knew exactly what a woman meant. Her words were crystal clear. _Just wait, don't cause trouble. You're not ready for this, but one day you will be._

"In the mean time, while you're doing all that waiting, you work on yourself. You start making an effort, and you show her what a great guy you can be. Kissing a girl isn't the only way to make them fall for you. Show her you've got her back, you're willing to improve yourself, and that you're actually capable of complex human emotions."

_This is going to be tough then._

"Seems like fate has handed you the perfect opportunity, too."

_Say what?_

"That bird she likes so much, maybe you should take it a little more seriously. Help her out, show her what you're made of. I know that might be hard for you, and you'll make mistakes, but it's just important that she see's you trying."

It was as if the planets were aligning. Cece thought he had a chance. Him. Nick, Bar-tending, law school drop out and sweater enthusiast, Miller. She thought he could be the man for Jess. It was the seal of approval he hadn't known he needed, or wanted - but he obviously did.

Cece gave him an earnest look before asking "Do you understand?"

He nodded "Yeah, I think I do"

She gave him a half smile before standing up and smoothing out the creases in her dress "Then my work here is done."

Despite wanting to give her a appreciative hand shake or shoulder pat, Nick remained where he was. The pep talk had been great, but he was approaching system overload. However, he still managed to shoot her his most sincere smile "Thank you Cece. Really"

"Don't mention it" she said on her way to the door, before turning and adding "I mean that. As far as everyone else is concerned, this talk never happened."

He bowed his head in understanding and she slipped through the door without another word.

The room was silent, apart from his music in the background, which assured him nobody had overheard their conversation. Nick lay back and nestled into the laundry pile, thinking through what'd just happened. His eyes slid shut and he breathed a heavy sigh of relief, one that echoed throughout his entire body.

Before he had a chance to get aboard his train of thought, there was a rustling sound coming from the other side of the room. He rolled from the pile of clothes and onto the floor, landing sprawled out on his stomach. The rustling continued and he army crawled past the pile to the corner of the bed, peeking his head around the side. As he peered round the side of the bed he realized what had been rustling away. _Of course, you ninny_.

"Peep haw!" Chirped the bird, who had miraculously found it's way out of the sealed box it'd been resting within.

Nick smiled, and propped his head up in his hand, examining the bird with newfound respect.

"You pecked your way out of the box! I'd be impressed if your name wasn't Feather."

"Cheep!" It exclaimed before hopping closer.

"I guess you're healing up a bit if you managed that on your own."

"Cheep cheep"

"Alright, it must be feeding time if you wanted to get out of your little cardboard prison so bad"

And with that, Nick picked the small bird up and carried it towards the kitchen in search of food. As he did this, the wee animal settled down and pecked at his hand encouragingly.

_"Maybe this won't be so bad after all" _Nick thought to himself, just as his feathered foe relaxed and pooped all over his cupped hands.

_Or not..._


End file.
